Awakening Outtakes
by bbwraven
Summary: Keep up with Rockstar Edward Cullen & Photograhper Bella Swan special moments from the past and future.
1. Summer 2005

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight but I'm thankful that Stephanie Meyers shared her love for hot vampires.**

This is my submission to the Fandom Against Domestic Violence Compliation.

Thank you to Blair who put this compliation together and everyone who donated to the cause and my fellow authors.

Enjoy!

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**Awakening: A Day in Port Angeles**

Written by: bbwraven

**Edward's POV**

August 2005

Bella let out a squeal when she heard Muse's _'Time is Running Out' _and turned up the volume. She stumbled over the words as she sang but that didn't stop her and she continued on. Granted it was off key more than usual but I realized this occurred when she became overly excited while singing. For some odd reason I found this endearing. I hope once she takes guitar lessons and once the lessons progress she'll find the right chord and stick to it.

Summers in Forks are normally cooler than most places but today the sun shone brightly warming up to the mid eighties which allowed me to take the top off my Jeep Wrangler. I glanced over at Bella and saw her hair was blowing everywhere. Most girls would go insane but not Bella-she embraced it and enjoyed the music, her arms flailing about with her imaginary microphone. During the chorus she would point it to me and we'd sing together.

When Bella called to tell me her shift was cut at the local grocery store, we decided to spend the day in Port Angeles. The one place we didn't have to hide and I could actually hold her hand. We were both uncomfortable with preying eyes in both Forks and La Push.

"So what do you have planned today?" she asked when she turned down the radio.

"Lunch and maybe stop at the music store."

"Sam Goody's?" she inquired.

"I didn't know Sam Goody's was still around but no, I want to go by Strait Music."

"I've never been there, why are we going again?"

"They have sound and recording equipment. I need a new sound board to record."

"So...you're doing the cd?" she asked. I looked over and saw she was staring straight ahead. I couldn't read her facial expression; normally Bella was an easy read.

"I don't know. I really want to...I just don't know. But they need a demo in case I accept the offer," I said, reaching over and rubbing her hand. I couldn't fathom why Bella was worried, no matter what, it would work out.

We arrived in Port Angeles a few minutes later. As promised, I treated Bella to lunch at Fiesta Jalisco Mexican Restaurant. She had mentioned she was craving Mexican food and this was the closest restaurant I could find. It was nothing like the Mexican food I would get in LA, but I didn't share this fact with Bella.

"I have a confession to make," she said when the waiter cleared our plates.

"Yeah what's that?"

"I've had better," she said in a deadpan voice.

"What?"

"Sorry, that was _not_ good Mexican food," she explained.

I chuckled. "Yeah...I didn't want to say anything."

"Food like this makes me want to hop on a plane to LA and head straight to East LA. That's where you get some good Mexican food."

"Okay, how do you know about East LA cuisine?"

Her smiled dimmed a little, her eyes suddenly bright with unshed tears. "My dad and I would take road trips to LA to catch Dodger games. After one of the games we were starving. You would think with hot dogs, popcorn and soda we'd be full but we felt like we hadn't eaten in years. So we drove down some random street trying to get back to our hotel in Hollywood and we saw this line of people standing by this truck and the aroma was mouthwatering. After gorging ourselves my father and I both agreed they were the best tacos we'd ever eaten," she said.

I saw the tear slide down her cheek and reached over to wipe away the lone tear. With her eyes closed Bella leaned into my caress. I wanted to lean over and press my lips to hers but I wasn't one for PDA even though we were miles from Forks.

Thankfully, Straits was within walking distance of the restaurant which allowed Bella and I to walk in and out of shops. It was nothing like shopping with Alice, who had taken her obsession to a whole new level and found an internship with the House of Gucci, which meant torture in my future.

When we walked into the music store, I found a salesperson that was able to find the sound board I needed to record the demo. I was able to finalize my purchase in less than thirty minutes. When I was done I went in search of Bella and found her staring at the guitars, mesmerized by a black Gibson guitar.

"Hey," I said softly.

"Ohmigod Edward you have to get this when you start playing the big arenas!" she exclaimed. "I mean if you take the deal…this is the kind of guitar you should have."

I grinned. "Hey are you ragging on my Gypsy Girl?" I asked referring to my acoustic guitar-I had a habit of naming my guitars.

"I would never rag on Gypsy but look at this baby! Its gorgeous!" she said, lightly touching the curves of the guitar. I felt my dick twitch as she caressed the guitar and knew I had to convince this girl to have sex with me soon or I was going to lose my mind.

I picked up the guitar to try it out and it was a good fit. After a little tuning, it played beautifully. This was the type of instrument that seemed to come to life when you played. Bella bit her bottom lip as I played a few chords, her intense gaze never leaving mines.

I broke contact and closed my eyes went into a song I'd been toying with in my head the last few days, the music and lyrics just poured out at that moment. When I opened my eyes, Bella's eyes were hooded and saw the desire she always seemed to hide. She blinked a few times and the moment was lost.

"Want to try?" I asked and transferred the guitar to her before she could answer. I helped her readjust the guitar until she felt comfortable. She played the few chords I had taught her that week. Her hand movement had improved but could be better if she practiced. "You need to practice more."

"I'm saving up for a guitar then I'll practice more," she said with hope in her eyes. "I promise."

"I know you will," I replied and taught her another riff. She stumbled which was normal but after the fifth time she began to get it, she was so fuckin' cute when she frowned as she concentrated on her hand coordination. Then she bit her lip again and I lost it. I leaned over and kissed her soft lips, before I had a chance to deepen the kiss I heard someone clear their throat. I looked over to see some blond guy looking pointedly at Bella.

"James! What are you doing here?" she asked with a look of surprise as she moved away from my side to greet the blond troll.

I hated the guy on sight.

"I could say the same about you Izzy, I thought you had to work," he said sizing me up, not answering Bella.

_Did he really call her Izzy?_Izzy, was a character on that 'Grey's Anatomy' show that every chick I knew watched with that doctor they referred to Mc Dreamy. Because of him I walk around with a bouffant. _Damn McDreamy_.

"My shift was cut and Edward invited me join him to run his errands in PA," she explained but looked slightly nervous.

"So you must be Edward, I'm James Ramsey," he said offering his hand. He squeezed my hand harder than he should have and before I had a chance to retaliate, he took his hand away. I could see him smirk. Just because I'm on the skinny side didn't mean I couldn't take him.

"Well I'll let you kids get back to...whatever it was you were doing," James said sarcastically. "I'll see you at dinner Izzy."

It was safe to say I hated that guy. "So how do you know James?" I asked after James left the store and I put away the Gibson.

"He's a family friend," she said. "His father is my guardian."

"Is he always so...creepy?"

She laughed. "He's a P.I. so he's always sneaking up on people but he's not so bad once you get to know him."

"Yeah, I don't see that happening anytime soon."

"Could we please forget about James and continue to have fun?" she asked as she boldly wrapped her arms around my neck. As if second nature I snaked and arm around her waist and brought her closer to me. The air became thick, all thoughts of James faded and I focused on Bella.

"James, who?" I replied.

Without any hesitation I leaned down to kiss her lips. We walked out of the store hand and hand which is an accomplishment for me. I just knew I needed to touch her.

Our final destination was Bella's happy place – the bookstore. I watched her read book jackets as she tried to decide which book she wanted to purchase.

"Shit I forgot my credit card at Straits," I muttered. "Stay here I'll go get it."

She frowned. "You're sure you don't want me to come with you?"

"Nah, you stay here, I'll be quick," I said with a peck on the lips and ran back to Straits. I found the salesperson that helped me earlier. "Hey, could you add the black Gibson to my order?"

"Sure. Let me go in the back and get it for you?"

"No, just ship it with the other items," I said. He looked confused for a moment. "It's a birthday gift."

He nodded. "Well in that case, would you like for us to gift wrap it was well?"

I grinned. "Yeah, that'll be great."

He rung up my new order and I walked out with mixed emotions. I officially ventured into new territory, my heart raced with excitement and fear. When I reached the book store I watched Bella read her book as she toyed with her bottom lip and I knew at that moment, unconditionally and irrevocably I was in love with her.

_Fuck! _


	2. The Road to Forget

**Title:** The Road to Forget - Awakening Outtake

**Summary:** This is an outtake from my story Awakening, if you follow the story this takes place a little over a year after Edward and Bella part and Edward writes the infamous song "Forget You".

**AN: **This outtake was posted in the Fandom4TwiFanG compilation, I may not have known her but her death was something that affected me. A special thanks for Yvette & Krysti for their unwavering help. Sometimes I need to go back to Edward's pain to make him appreciate his relationship with Bella. Sadly he wasn't the nicest person for a while.

_**Disclaimer**__: I do not own Twilight but it owns me._

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**oOo**

I could feel the sunlight against my back but I had no desire to lift my head from underneath the pillow. As long as I didn't move, the tiny shards that prickled my head would not feel as though I'd explode at any moment. I tried to recall the events from last night to cause this pain, but like many days in the last few months I had no real recollection.

I don't remember playing; but from the tingling in my fingertips, I knew there had been a show. I didn't even know which city I was in at the moment; I hadn't kept up in a while. A full year on the road, non-stop partying was taking its toll; but I felt if I stopped for a moment, I would allow myself to think and I wasn't ready for that.

My heart suddenly ached.

I'd been fine up until I viewed Jake's MySpace photos a few weeks ago. The image of Bella and Jake smiling into the camera to most would look adorable; but to me, she was absolutely beautiful. It took all my control to not save the photo and crop Jake out. There were a few more group shots but otherwise not many of her; she'd always been a little camera shy.

There was one photo of Jake and Leah, but what captured my attention were Bella and her husband in the background. I couldn't see his face but his arm was possessively around her as she spoke to Leah's younger brother Seth. The more I tried to erase the image the more I drank and dear God, I needed a drink right now.

The thought of drinking made my stomach turn. I could feel the bile rise; I had to hold my breath in order to not unleash the contents of my stomach. I heard a moan next to me; then knew I wasn't alone. This was not the first time I woke up in bed with someone I didn't know; I prayed she was over twenty-one. An arm snaked around my waist and I could feel hard fake tits and a warm body trying to snuggle against my side. The sudden jarring did me in, simultaneously my head exploded and my mouth watered with that disgusting metallic taste and knew what I drank last night was on its way up.

I made it to the small lavatory of the bus in time to empty the contents of my stomach; the sour smell of whiskey hit me and caused another round of vomiting. Once I was done, I washed my face and brushed my teeth as though my life depended on it. Just as I opened the bottle of ibuprofen, I heard Emmett call for me from the other side.

"I'll be right there," I said and quickly downed the pills.

When I opened the door a naked blonde with smeared make-up smiled drunkenly my way. "Hey baby," she purred and tried to kiss me. Dear God her breath alone made my stomach turn.

I moved my face so she would miss my lips. "Hey….," I started but could not recall a name.

"Jenny," she supplied.

"Oh yeah, Jenny, um, I need to get going," I muttered and brushed past her. I found a clean shirt in the small closet that housed a few of my personal items. Emmett stood by the door with a bored look on his face; it's his new favorite look for me lately. "I'll have one of the roadies take you back to the hotel."

"You're kidding right?" she screeched. I grabbed my head as an effort to hide from the noise; before I could say anything she continued on. "Fuck Eddie; you drag me from my friends and bring me all the way to LA 'cause you promised we'd have a good time."

_LA? Already?_"I thought the LA show wasn't for a few more days," I muttered.

Jenny looked at me as though I had lost my mind, and from the corner of my eye I could see Emmett shake his head. "Do you know what city we're in?" he asked quietly. "Hell do you even know what day it is?"

I suddenly felt like a school kid, Emmett rarely uses his quiet voice with me and I knew he was pissed. It's obvious I missed a lot the last few days.

I drew a blank. "No."

Emmett's jaw set. "To which question?"

"All the above," I said quietly.

He ran his hands down his face as though he was trying to shake a wave of frustration off of him. "Jenny, on my brother's behalf, I apologize for this inconvenience," Emmett said as cordially as possible. "If you want to give me a few hours, I can get you on a plane back home tonight. Or I can get you a pair of tickets for tonight's show and you can go home tomorrow. The choice is yours."

"Where will I stay?" she asked and then shot me a hopeful look.

"If you stay tonight, I will make sure you have a hotel room," Emmett offered.

"Same hotel as Eddie?" she asked hopefully.

Em smiled sadly. "No, Eddie has to go back to Seattle tonight."

"I do?" I asked dumbly.

"Yeah, you do. Mom and Dad will be waiting for you," he said in a stony voice.

"In that case, I guess I'll go home tonight," Jenny said sadly. But when she looked at Em again her body took in a whole new stance. "Unless I could stay with you?"

"Sorry but my girlfriend has a no sharing policy."

Emmett's current girlfriend, Lulu, is a sweet hippy chic but if a groupie comes onto him she turns into the bitch from hell. The fights she and Rose have had the last month have been quite entertaining…..at least they are when I'm sober.

"Oh….okay but if you change your mind," she said giving him a winning smile.

He shook his head once again. "Thank you but the only thing I really need is for you to put on some clothes and for Edward to get to sound check," Emmett said politely.

I nodded and grabbed my glasses from the floor and never looked back at Jenny as I walked out of the bus. I knew it was a callous move but I really didn't want to be bothered. She was going home and I had a show to put on.

The noisy streets of Los Angeles hit me like a ton of bricks. We walked to the artist entrance and I could see the roadies and sound technicians getting things in order. Rose, Alice and Jasper were on the stage talking when I arrived. Rose noticed us first, her pinched mouth alerted Alice and Jasper of my arrival. Rose rolled her eyes and went to take her place behind her drum kit. Alice looked at me with a mix of anger and worry and Jasper, like Emmett, was unreadable. He's the one who got the ball rolling on sound check and only spoke to me when it was necessary.

_Tonight is going to be a very long night._

** oOo**

The chants from the audience could be heard backstage but I ignored them and stood on an unused speaker. "Good show everyone," I said and I raised my shot glass. "You all did one helluva job and I couldn't thank you enough. Cheers!" The tequila burned as it made its way down my throat. I instantly poured another one, by my third I knew I was drunker than I wanted to be and had to finish the encore.

This was the end of my first big tour…..not even she could take this away from me...

The last three songs were a complete blur to me and the only thing I focused on was the roar of the crowd. I felt alive. I felt invincible. Despite my behavior I knew my band mates felt the same way, their toothy grins were contagious. After traveling across the globe numerous times in the past year, playing sold out venues - we were finally at the end of the tour. _The last fucking show!_

I honestly never dreamt of this kind of life. The constant traveling, meeting my musical heroes and performing in sold out venues is overwhelming. And pussy galore – too many to fuck for I was only one man. It's hard to believe I used to dream about a nice quiet life in Port Angeles or Forks. Maybe Bella ending things was for the best – as soon as I thought of her it felt as though something squeezed my chest.

I shook my head as memories of her started to flood my mind. I'd never been more thankful to see the new roadie, Morris, standing by my dressing room door. This guy was the ultimate party guy. He had been on the road with us for about three months and I found out early on he was the guy who had the hook up in every city we played.

Since he's come on board I'd tried everything from LSD to mushrooms; he even had me venture into heroin, which did not bode well with me. But as of late my drug of choice has been cocaine. I've only tried it a couple of times in small doses because I'm not a coke head. And most of all I didn't want everyone else to in my business.

"Yo, Eddie!" he said as we bumped fist.

We entered my dressing room and I immediately run to take a shower. I don't care how drunk and stoned I am on stage; I must get rid of this sweat. Ten minutes later I was freshly clean and I absently rolled a twenty dollar bill as I watched Morris sprinkle a small amount of coke over a mirror and used his razor to divide into five lines.

"This shit is unbelievable," he said as he slides the mirror in my direction.

For a moment I just stare at the mirror. _What am I doing?_

I run my left hand through my hair and for a brief moment I see Bella smiling with…..him. That was an image I no longer wanted to see and quickly snort a line. The sting of the coke made my eyes water and I again wondered - _what the fuck I was_ _doing?_This wasn't me. In high school and college I never did shit like this, I wouldn't do anything stronger than marijuana.

I zoned out and I could hear Morris snorting a line. By the time he had finished I felt as though I was floating and best of all…..no pain when I thought of Bella.

"Wow, this shit works fast," I muttered. I could see her in my head and not hurt, she was fucking beautiful. As quickly as that image came, it went away with her running away from me. That brought the pain back, I needed to be painless.

I reach for the mirror and snorted another line.

"Only the best for you my friend," Morris slurred.

I felt my body go limp, there was no pain, and I was free again and allowed my mind to think about Bella again. I realized I missed her wit, smart ass comebacks, her hair – she had the softest hair and she smelled like flowers and sunshine. And then I thought about her lips and then I got hard. I need to get laid. A knock interrupted my walk down memory lane; thankfully Morris had already removed the coke from the table. I stood too quickly and had to regain my bearings. Once I was stable on my feet I ran my fingers through my hair and wiped a hand across my face to get any traces of coke off of me. I opened the door; praying it wasn't some reporter, thankfully it was my sister Ace. "Hey are you…" she trailed off.

"What?" I asked when she didn't complete her question.

Alice crossed her arms over her chest and her lips thinned. "I was going to ask if you were going to grab a drink with us but it seems you're occupied," she said coldly.

"Ace, of course I can grab a drink with you guys," I said cajolingly. I suddenly gripped the door knob because my legs were about to give out and needed to sit down soon. "I'll meet you guys in like twenty minutes."

Alice stared at me for so long I became uncomfortable under her scrutiny. "You might want to clean your nose before you leave," she said as she rolled her eyes and walked away.  
I slammed my door and stumbled to the vanity table in my dressing room and my stomach dropped when I saw reminisce of white powder around my right nostril. I searched the vanity for a towel and found the baby wipes Alice insisted I pack in my toiletries case. I frantically rubbed my face trying to scrub away any evidence of the cocaine I just snorted. I rubbed my face so hard I turned red.

Morris handed me the mirror for another hit; but I knew I was hitting my limit, and if I wanted to make it through drinks with the rest of the band I better hold off until later. "You take it," I said.

"There's a reason why I like you Eddie! You the man!" he yelled and went on the snort the last line. I quickly packed up my personal items and hastily threw them in my backpack, I paid Morris for the goods and he handed me a black vial.

I grabbed my backpack and met everyone outside next to the limo where some fans were waiting. I handed my gear to Mike and started signing autographs and taking photos. I may be fucked up, but I knew without them this wasn't possible and refused to be an ass about it.

We were done in thirty minutes and headed to the Chateau Marmont for a few drinks. Once inside we were escorted the VIP area, where a bottle of Gran Patrón Platinum was waiting for us. The shots were passed around as we celebrated; and much to Rose's dismay, a few of the Hollywood party girls joined us. They were blonde with hair extensions, botox and implants – just the way I like them.

They told me their names several times but I couldn't retain the information, so I called them Chrissy and Janet because I could only remember they were roommates. At one point Chrissy and I found a corner and did a bump.

"Edward!" I heard Rose yell.

"Fuck," I muttered and turned to see Rose stalking down the hall towards me, even with my blurred vision I knew she was enraged. "What?"

"If you're going to do that shit – don't fucking do it in the hall like some fucking junkie," she seethed.

"Fuck you Rose, I'm not a junkie," I muttered. I grabbed Chrissy's hand and stumbled my way back to the VIP area.

Rose blocked me from entering the reserved area. "Really? Coulda fooled me," she retorted. "So sad - washed up before your career even had a chance to _truly_take off."

"Fuck you, Rose!"

She clutched her heart with mocked anguish. "Oh no, the cokehead told me to fuck off," she cooed. "Still a dumbass." She walked away before I had a chance to respond. Rose was such a bitch sometimes.

I felt lips kissing my neck and all thoughts of Rose disappeared. "Want to head back to my room?" I asked her.

"Only if my friend could join us," she murmured against my lips.

I laughed. "You two a package deal or something?"

"Oh definitely," she squealed and began to massage my cock.

"Then let's get the fuck out of here," I moaned.

_I love my life! _

**oOo**

The doorbell stirred me awake, I tried to ignore it and placed the pillow over my head. It seemed as though they finally stopped; and just as I was dozing off again the ringing persisted along with a fist banging on the door.

I sat up quickly which set off the jackhammers in my head and the room spun out of control. It took what felt like hours for it to stop. I stumbled towards the living room door when I remembered I was naked. I grabbed the jeans off the floor, fumbled my way into them; not bothering to zip them up or a shirt. I yanked open the door and found Jasper on the other side. We eyed each other for a moment and before I could invite him to come in he walked into my suite.

"Come on in," I muttered sarcastically.

"Don't mind if I do," Jasper replied. He looked around the living room which hadn't been cleaned since I arrived at the Chateau Marmont. The floor was littered with bottles, pizza boxes, joints and cigarettes – which is how the room smelled. "I love what you've done with the place."

"It's a little messy but I've been tired and didn't want to deal with housekeeping."

He nodded. "I guess getting high off blow and drinking until you're in a stupor is more important."

I realized the door was still open and I slammed the door shut. "So I like to blow off some steam, is that so bad?" I demanded.

"Normally I would agree with you but it's becoming a problem."

"You're blowing a little partying out of proportion," I scuffed.

Jasper was silent for a few minutes as though he was choosing his words carefully. "I've been your friend for a long time," Jasper started slowly. "So I won't yell but I'm not going to pretend and accept this behavior anymore. If you want to continue to work with us, you need to stop with the drugs."

I was suddenly pissed. "Is this an ultimatum?" I demanded.

"Yes," he replied.

"And you're speaking for everyone?"

"Yes."

"So you all are selling me out? Fine. Fuck you all – you're all replaceable!"

Jasper nodded. "Yes, we are replaceable but you forget Edward – I didn't need this gig," he reminded me. This was a true fact because Jasper was in high demand as a session guitarist as well as his songwriting skills. "None of us did, I was doing fine as musician without you. I don't need to kiss your ass. That's the difference between a friend and minion. I'm here as your friend! And people like Morris aren't your friend, he wants to ride your success ride; and at the same time strip you down because you and I both know that once you get hooked on this shit you will spiral out of control."

"So I suddenly need rehab?"

"I hope not. I want to say you don't but something is eating at you and this is not the way to deal with it," he said looking pained. "I refuse to let you continue this way."

"Jasper it's not the big of a deal," I hedged.

Jasper balled his fist in front of his face as though he was trying to contain his temper. "Do you know in the last month, you've been so fucked up on stage that you changed a song midway and we had to play it off as a mash up? And how about the fact you're so fucked up when you speak you slur so badly no one can understand you," he yelled angrily. "And have you seen yourself lately? Look at you!"

I was suddenly self-conscious and at the same time quite dumbfounded. In all the years I've known Jasper I've never seen him so angry. But deep down I knew everything he said was true. There were so many gaps in my memory and sometimes I was afraid of whom or what I'd find when I opened my eyes. I suddenly became jittery and I knew I needed a line in order to calm down, so I placed my hands in my back pockets to try and mask the nervousness.

Jasper shook his head. "You can fucking replace me but I'm not giving up on you," he said. "You can talk to me about anything without judgment, you know that right?"

I never told Jasper about Bella, he just knew I met someone and it didn't work out. He's not someone who would pry into my personal affairs and I knew I could trust him with my life. "I'm not ready," I said softly.

He nodded. "You know I'm here to lend an ear if you need it but if you can't talk to me or your siblings then take a pen and paper and get that shit out. I know you think it might be girlie, but sometimes you need to purge yourself and not let this consume you any longer," Jasper advised. I nodded my thanks because I didn't trust myself to speak. "And... Alice wanted me to tell you that not only will she quit, but she'll tell your parents everything."

Last thing I want is for my parents to hear about my behavior. I knew my father would go ballistic, just as he did when I got caught drinking with Jake and when I trashed a room while in college.

I was in such a daze I hadn't noticed Jasper at the door. "Let us know of your decision in the next three days," Jasper said and walked out.

I stood there for a few more minutes and then went back to my room and searched for the bindle with the last of the coke I bought from Morris. I did a couple of lines and instantly felt better and that's when it hit me; I went from having fun partying to slowly becoming dependent on this shit. I felt like utter shit. I found a bottle of tequila on the floor and drank straight from the bottle. My eyes and throat burned from the liquor, my stomach turned but the thought of food made me gag.

"I need a shower," I muttered to the empty room and went into the bathroom. As I waited for the shower to warm up, I looked at myself in the mirror and I had to admit Jasper was right once again; I looked like utter shit. I was so pale - I realized I hadn't really been in the sun in weeks. My eyes were bloodshot with dark circles. I had lost weight – my face was gaunt, even my ribs were more noticeable and my hair was matted and greasy. I hadn't shaved in days, before the last show.

Disgusted with my image, I jumped into the shower and I used the hotel soap to wash away the dirt and grime from my body. I scrubbed my hair and just as I put the conditioner in, I was hit with an overwhelming sense of sadness. I felt as though I was drowning in it and it took every ounce of control to not drown myself into an oblivion of tears. I gripped my hair and slid down the wall and told myself...I was better off without her; just forget her, she wasn't worth all this pain. I said it as if it was a mantra over and over.

After I dried off I checked my suitcase for some clean underwear; then searched and found some jeans, a clean shirt and hoodie. I put everything on quickly; I did not want to see my body. I turned on the TV to distract myself so I didn't think about the ultimatum and my party boy ways. I don't know how long I stared at the TV unseeingly but when I heard the commercial for a Jim Carey movie called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

_I wished it was a real procedure._

If I could forget her... it wouldn't hurt. Maybe Jasper was right, I should purge myself by writing. But I refuse to journal about her so that during a time of reflection I could weep about allowing myself to care for someone so deeply. Instead of a Dear John letter I would write a 'SCREW YOU ISABELLA SWAN!' letter.

I don't know how long I worked on that letter but when I finished I felt better. "Fuck you Bella," I said and took a swig of tequila. I then reread the letter; it was more of a bad poem, I started to scratch lines through the lines that didn't work. After a few minutes I had an Alanis Morissette moment and decided to add a melody. I laughed because it was utter shit! I grabbed my computer and before I could lose my nerve I recorded and sent it to Jasper.

Satisfied with the results, I felt it was time to take a break. I cut a couple lines of coke, but for some reason I couldn't snort. I wanted to numb the pain, but this wasn't the way. If I keep this up I would alienate my family and friends and quite possibly lose my career. I refuse to be another Pete Doherty.

I took what was left in the bindle, the vile I had and what was on the mirror and flushed it down the toilet. Part of me wanted to call Morris to replace what I just got rid of but that would be a sign of weakness.

My suite became a prison and I needed air. I went down to the bar and did a few shots of tequila. I had an urge to leave as the crowd grew, but I didn't – I stayed in my seat and drank until I blacked out.

**oOo**

The jackhammers were back and my stomach was understandably upset. I barely made it to the bathroom and threw up the contents in my stomach. I may have gotten rid of the drugs but I was still completely stuck on stupid. I pushed myself off the floor when I felt an intense pain in my fingers on my left hand.

I was petrified that I unknowingly fractured a finger; instead my eyes nearly bulged out my sockets when I looked down to see my ring finger completely red because of a tiny tattoo that simply read _'E + B'. _I knew right then, I could try really hard to forget her - but I never will. Only thing I can do is move on – drug free.

Starting today – no coke and no alcohol.

I stripped down and hopped in the shower. The hot stream hit my body and I felt as though I was washing away whatever was holding me back this last year. After about twenty minutes I felt invigorated, even my headache wasn't as intense. I dried off and wrapped the towel around my waist, I still looked like shit. I started combing my hair and thought about getting a haircut; but didn't want anyone to touch me at the moment. After a quick search in the bathroom I found a pair of scissors and started cutting off my hair. When I was done I was bald except for a few uneven patches. I found my beard trimmer and tried to even it out. It was horrendous, but it was a clean slate.

I put on my last pair of jeans and a tee shirt. After my stomach grumbled loudly I called room service and ordered real food – I couldn't remember the last time I actually ate food. I tried to straighten up the room and put away my crap; as it was, housekeeping would have their hands full. Just as I was about to call housekeeping and ask them to come clean-up I heard my phone chirp from the living room; I found it on the floor near the entrance way, and saw I had a text from Jasper.

_**Wow, good shit. I tweaked it a little so tell me what you think, otherwise great song. I see you found a healthier outlet. – JW**_

_**Thanks, I'll check it out. Yeah, I got some good advice from a friend. Are we cool? – EC**_

_**Of course, will we see you for the band meeting in two days….? – JW**_

_**Yes, we have an album to make – EC**_

_**Even with our criteria? – JW **_

_**Yes I agree to them and if I go down that route again….I'll get help. – EC**_

I grabbed my computer to check my email and opened Jasper's email; even though I had a headache, I was anxious to hear Jasper's changes. After listening to the recording twice I felt a genuine smile grace my face for the first time in a year.

* * *

**A/N:** What do you think?


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